Do you ever get in your own way? When you know exactly what you need to do and then fail to do it on a massive level so you are a small ball of irritated rage and the only person you can blame is yourself? Yup, I’ve been all over that recently.
The problem is that I know who I am. I am 41 years old and I’ve got to know me pretty well in that time. I know that I am a morning person. I naturally wake up around 5 am every morning and feel great if I get out of bed. If I lie in I’m grouchy for the rest of the day. I have a messy brain with a tendency to over think everything. I need to meditate every day as it clears that brain fog and makes me feel less crunchy. I know that, as much as I love Instagram, social media makes me feel bad and time on my phone is not a good thing. I benefit from routine and discipline. If I write first thing in a morning it feels natural and creative. If I try to do it later in the day I end up with keyboard marks on my forehead. Anything that needs to be done should be started before 10 am or it’s not happening. A good walk will always clear my head. I’m not a night owl. An early night is most pleasing but too early and I won’t sleep.
That list isn’t strange or unreasonable. Have I been doing these pretty basic things that make me feel like me and not like a sack lumpy pig knuckles? No!
I’ve been trying to lie in because the beloved does not do mornings. Once I’ve done that everyone else is awake and going to do my meditation and then French practice (oui, mais bein sur!) feels a bit rude so I don’t bother. That rules out writing too. And it’s difficult to squeeze in a long walk before I have to leave for work if I’m not up early. So I may as well spend some time scrolling through my phone because that’s all I have time for. Nothing has been achieved, I’m tired and then I crawl into bed at 9 pm for eight hours of tossing and turning because I need only seven hours sleep. To understand how I feel right now do the opposite of what you need for three months and see whether you feel like the brightest button on the blazer.
So, it is Easter Sunday. A time for renewal. I am up. I have said my oms, practiced my French and am writing. It’s 7 am so in half an hour I’ll take the dog out for a romp and then wake up the rest of the house by playing AC/DC while cooking breakfast. It is not a lazy Sunday in bed with jazz music playing in the background. It is not laid back and chilled out because I am not laid back and chilled out. So I am using this Easter Sunday to remember who I am. A lark who is organised needs routine, fresh air and tea to function. Oh and really loud music. Have a great Easter.