I need to talk about self-care or what generations of women have said to each other when parting knowing that each was going through their own personal hell. Whether it was sleepless nights with a new baby, postnatal depression, a stressful job, money worries, relationship woes, drinking too much wine to numb themselves or the telltale signs of a relationship that’s gone from less than healthy to scary, women would hug in doorways, leaving lipstick prints on each others cheeks and through the smell of perfume and hairspray whisper “look after yourself”.
Look after yourself meant remember to eat. Look after yourself meant call me if you are scared. Look after yourself meant get a bath, brush your hair and teeth. Look after yourself meant you are worth looking after. Proper self-care.
We are currently being sold a version of self-care that’s sleep mist, candles and pretty jewellery to promote mindfulness. It’s a scam and it’s designed to make you feel less than you are. Looking after yourself is different for everyone. One woman’s bubble bath is another’s bed of nails. There are two pieces that I’ve read recently that really chimed with my thinking: Marisa Bate on self-care not being self-indulgent and this from 2016 by Dolly Alderton about the basics of feeling better that I keep coming back to. Both are useful and made me think about looking after myself differently.
I have spent the last few months trying to self-care my way to calmness and happiness. It was doomed to failure as I was attempting the self-care of another woman. A woman who has tall, blonde, slender, sat gazing into the middle distance soulfully while thinking really deep thoughts about antelopes, or other such nonsense. I have banged on to my beloved about needing time alone, solitude, thinking time because that what antelope woman would need. She’d take up painting, wear her husband’s clothes and no makeup but glow from all the self-care. I kept trying to be antelope woman and was not getting any calmer or happier. Why was antelopeness so unobtainable?
Then I heard Gretchen Rubin on the We Are Women podcast said that you had to make sure that generalisations apply to you. If it is commonly accepted that public speaking is terrifying but you find it thrilling, stop acting like you are scared by it. Be true to your actual self, not the self you think you should be. Bye, bye antelope woman!
I am an extrovert. If you do one of those nice personality tests, I’m a pretty extreme extrovert. My light is not dimmed by a bushel, a shrinking violet I am not. Extroverts recharge their batteries by being around other people. Introverts can love people but need to be alone to restore their energy. I have been acting like an introvert wanting time alone and I’ve been getting it but it didn’t work. The stuff we are sold as self-care just annoys me.
On Wednesday I treated my day off differently. I got up at my usual time to meditate and do my French practice. I made porridge. I walked the dog. Then instead of doing a rubbish Greta Garbo impression, I took myself out. I had lunch in a busy Wagamama alone, surrounded by groups of teenage girls, all finding themselves fascinating and worrying whether others shared their opinion. I got to listen as a girl asked for the bill for the first time and her friend congratulated her for her bravery. Others were telling the waitress the story of their matching tattoos they got to commemorate surviving high school together. I went book shopping and listened to the conversations, the recommendations and teasing about personal taste. Then I sat alone in the cinema watching as the seats were filled with friends and couples settling into familiar film watching routines. When heading to meet the beloved I was filled with joy at how fab humans are, inspired by what I’d seen and heard and fizzing with energy. I finally felt like myself again.
My afternoon would be routine to some and awful to others but it was perfect for me. That’s the point. Self-care is not a commodity, it’s a necessity and it can’t be sold to you. I am all for nice things. A scented candle and cashmere blanket are things of beauty and joy but they are never going to lift the fug in my head. Pillow spray smells divine but it does not get your backside in the shower or out for a walk.
We all need to take responsibility for looking after ourselves. Get enough sleep, eat your vegetables, get outside, maintain a basic level of hygiene and be kind. After that do what makes you fizzy. That’s you, not the weird antelope woman who lives in your head, the person you think you should be or the person you think you’ll be if you listen to jazz and have serious thoughts about architecture. You right now, eating Haribo, looking through the takeaway menu and watching too many YouTube videos. That you. Do the thing that makes you feel fizzy. And look after yourself.