It’s my birthday today and I’m feeling reflective. I’ve made it to 41. Not sure I expected that. How did I reach a grown-up age? It feels like a good time to look at what I’ve learned so far.
- Trust the happy changing room dance. If you don’t do a little wiggle of joy when you are buying it you will never wear it and will be donating it to charity in six months. Don’t buy it or send it back.
- Being outdoors is good for the soul. Yes, I know you are a geek who needs to be surrounded by books and tea to be truly comfortable but being outside alters your perspective. Nothing seems as bad after a walk. Even if it is bad you can cope with it better. Get your coat on.
- Just because you can take on all comers at a tequila shot challenge, doesn’t mean you should.
- School was hell and your home life wasn’t much better. Congratulations you survived. You don’t get a medal for it, move on.
- You have a tendency to over analyse and pull things apart. You long for a shoulder to cry on and tender ministrations to your wounded ego. This is not good you. Work out what the problem is, find the solution and do that. In the words of a wise friend, deal with it girlie.
- A good life never looks like you think it should. The corner office, the power dressing, the high heels, the cocktails, the in-crowd are not it. The politics it takes to take to the mythical, now open plan, corner office will kill your spirit, you can’t breathe in a pencil skirt, the heels hurt, you are desperate for a pint in a boozer and for a night with people who where there when you tucked your dress in your knickers and sashayed through a theatre.
- You don’t need to see must-see TV.
- You found your signature make up look at 13. At 41 you can do it better.
- They will tell you relationships are about compromise. What they don’t tell you is you need to know what you can’t compromise. What you eat for dinner or whose parents you visit at Christmas doesn’t matter. Neither does the colour you paint the living room. The stuff that you can’t compromise on is those things that make you feel smaller than you are. This can be big life choices like children, marriage or politics or simple things like your morning routine. Anything where you don’t feel like you is a place to stand your ground.
- Go up a size in tights. A low slung gusset is a day ruiner.
- Music is vital to your happiness. Music will make you feel happy, sexy, energised, sad, loved, understood and most importantly makes you feel like you are not alone. Play more music.
- Your male friends give you hope for the world. These wonderful creatures who you feel so comfortable with are funny, clever, kind men who love their partners and families, they work hard and are passionate about football, games, graphic novels, cycling and music. They have got you through the tough times. They are wonderful.
- You need rest. Rest is not lying on the couch scrolling through your phone. It is rest. It is a nap. It is some daydreaming while looking through the window.
- If you’ve not got anything nice to say, shut up. You will see negative comments on social media, comments sections, you will hear bitching all around you. Do not add to it.
- Don’t lose yourself. When you are in your early twenties a friend who is going through a messy divorce is listening to you enthusing about a novel you have just read. She tells you that you must never lose that passion for books and never give up the things that you love. She cries when she tells you this. You don’t understand. In your mid-thirties when you are bruised, broken and no longer recognise yourself you will finally understand what she meant. You will cry too.
- Paint your nails. You’ll feel better.
- You need routine. I know you want to be devil may care, a laid-back hippy chick and slightly chaotic. You are not the manic pixie dream girl. You need discipline and routine. You’ll think that this means you are not creative. You’ll read Twyla Tharp and get over yourself.
- Do not give a fuck what anyone thinks of you. You were born with this talent, you have been not giving a crap from day one. It makes life so much easier. When you start worrying about what people think of you it’s a warning that your messy brain is working against you. Adjust your thinking and carry on.
- Tired Pixie, nowty Pixie. Cold Pixie, nowty Pixie. Hungry Pixie, nowty Pixie. If you are grumpy put a jumper on, have a snack and a nap. You’ll feel fine.
- Be kind. Being tired, cold, hungry and confident does not give you licence to be a rat.
- Vote. Every time. Vote. It matters. Vote.
- It is easier to apologise than to ask permission.
- Treat others how they want to be treated. I am quite blunt. I am practical and unsentimental. If I treated the beloved like this he would not feel loved. Tailor your approach.
- Your friends are the best. I have few truly close friends but they are excellent. Breakups, sackings, death, messy brain, moving houses and cities. They’ve been there. I will never be able to explain how much I love them. Remember how great they are and be better about keeping in touch.
- Have a karaoke tune. Even if you hate karaoke. Don’t be the person making a fuss about it. Get up, do your thing and get on with the night.
- Listen. The friend banging on about her halitosis riddled colleague is telling you she’s stressed. When her marriage is fine, great, she loves him but it’s difficult, she is having a tough time at home. You don’t need to fix it. She needs to feel seen and heard.
- Put your phone down. I know it is so useful! You can get your emails, shop, play games, update your Instagram. Brilliant but not essential. Work out what you want to use it for (calls, messages, music and podcasts), hide everything else and put it away.
- You are Midler, not Hepburn. You will spend at least the first thirty years of your life bemoaning the fact that you are not Audrey Hepburn. You are not delicate, chic, ladylike and gamine. You are all boobs and booty. You’ve got a gob like the Mersey tunnel and you’ve never met a sequin you didn’t like. You barrel into rooms cackling and you’ve got a way with a filthy joke. Rather than spend time trying to be something you are not, find a new icon and be yourself. I will always be more Bette Midler than Audrey Hepburn. Both goddesses, just different flavours.
- It’s not a heart attack, frozen pineapple margaritas do not agree with you. Have a beer instead.
- You should have worn the purple wedding dress.
- If it’s keeping you awake at 2 am do something about it. Say sorry, demand the apology, make the doctors appointment.
- It will take you until you are 35 to realise that the feeling in your stomach when talking to the witty hot bloke is not sexual chemistry but a warn signal to run. Yes, you can match this person joke for joke and their attention is like a glorious spotlight but the comments are cruel and while you are dazzling them with your intelligence and quips now what they want is adoration. When you don’t provide that they will turn on you. One night you will be at a bar, basking in the limelight and laughter and the truth will hit you. You breathe a silent prayer of thanks and get back to the gags and flirting. 20 minutes later you walk away feeling sexy, powerful and knowing you no longer need validation from dickheads.
- Get a dog.
- If you hate the book you don’t need to finish it. Life is too short for bad books.
- Meditate. Sit down, close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing for twenty minutes each day. Some days it will be a chore, some days you’ll hate every second but it makes the mental seas calmer.
- Dance. In the kitchen doing the dishes. Take a turn round the living room watching Strictly. Show the young ‘uns how it’s done in a Christmas do dance off. Tango in the aisles of Asda. Boogie whenever you can.
- Kiss your partner. Yeah, you’ve seen them hungover and with a head cold. And yes, they said that thing about your auntie at Christmas. You’ve been together years, gosh. Snog them. If it doesn’t make your insides fizzy with joy keep going until it does.
- Have a favourite mug and a favourite pair of pyjamas. Comfort will never be far away.
- Do not act your age. It’s a trap. Wear the gold trainers, dye your hair pink, watch cartoons and be a giddy kipper.
- Celebrate everything you can. Life is joyous and should be shared. You don’t need to hire a hall but you do need to recognise what you’ve achieved, how far you’ve come and the people who have travelled with you.
- Say thank you. For everything. All the time. Be bloody grateful for all the blessing you have.