Today is my second wedding anniversary. I was not the girl who dreamed of marriage and was certainly not the marrying kind. Too independent, too busy, too much for that kind of thing. I met the beloved after a short spell of internet dating that I was forced into by my friends, Cat and Gwen. My husband was the penultimate date in what can only be described as the material for my sitcom. We got engaged after 10 days and married a year later.
I am not much good at this relationship stuff but I have learned a few lessons in the last two years.
It isn’t meant to be difficult
I love my husband. In the past, that sentence would have read “I love my boyfriend but”. But he’s married, but he’s addicted to, but he sends the same romantic texts to all the women in his phone, but all my friends hate him because he’s a violent, controlling arsehole who is a danger to my sanity and life. If there’s a ‘but’ it’s a no.
It isn’t meant to be easy
Not difficult does not mean Disney like twirling and singing. The beloved was separated when we met and living in the same house with his ex and their kids. He told me this on the first date. This has brought challenges. I never wanted kids. Children are not easy. Divorce is not easy. Neither is buying a house, getting married, moving your parents in, navigating the stress of work with mental health issues and everything else that is living. It takes patience and compromise. They are not my strong point. So it has been hard but worth it.
Going for a walk is the best therapy
You get married, you are blissfully happy. Then you have to cancel your Parisian honeymoon because of terrorist attacks. You make the most of it with a homeymoon. It’s gorgeous. Pottering around the house together in love. Then the boiler breaks. In winter. After your wedding. Tempers will fray. One of you will throw a tantrum (it wasn’t me). Get your coats on and go for a walk. Outside you can tell each other the truth without feeling trapped. It takes the sting out of things. If you are not in the same place as the broken boiler, messy kitchen, unmade bed, scene of last night’s drunken row, it is easier.
You will change
Change isn’t because you are married, it’s because change is what happens to all of us. The thing about being in a relationship is that you have a witness to it and a mirror. You get to see the changes in a way you do not notice as quickly when you are single. You will have the “is that really me?” moments and when you ask that question you can work out whether you like the changes or not.
They do not complete you
I am not a better person because I am married. I am not more fulfilled. I am not now whole thanks to the husband. I was, am and always will be absolutely rocking on my own. No one will ever complete me as I am already complete. Dog-eared, careworn and knackered but definitely complete.
I am an eejit and still lovable
Oh, I am eejit. I am demanding and diva-like, I am blunt and gobby, I am unromantic and soppy. I am all of these things and loads more yet he loves me. This isn’t because he’s so bloody wonderful to love an eejit, it’s because everyone is lovable. Everyone.
It’s fun!
I’ve married a mate I fancy who wants to create an army of sock puppets with me. Who creates voting paddles for me so the monkeys and I can score Strictly. Someone who will dance in the street with me to the tune playing in my head. A man who can always come up with a verse to the family Obily Boo song. The person who will leg it from any venue if I’d rather go home and drink tea. All of this and I get to snog him!
Happy anniversary, darling. Thank you for putting up with me. Long may it continue.